Fat and Ugly

those who know me know I am a sizable Guy. I am around six feet tall and on most days a smidgen over that. However, very few would guess I am over 300 lbs. and fewer than that know I am actually about 350 lbs. I weighed myself a couple of days ago on a decent scale and it said I was 348, just two pounds away from the scale's capacity. Now I stay pretty busy and I burn a lot of energy. On top of that I eat a lot of food. Some days it is only a little and probably less than my recommended intake. At times i am sure i eat a whopping 3-4000 calories in one sitting. Usually this happens when I am eating something I REALLY like, I have hit an all-you-can-eat buffet, or i have cooked what I am eating myself, which usually falls into the first category. Why do I do this? I think I have a couple of reasons but lets touch on the "ugly" notation first.
I am not the worst looking guy in the worked nor am I Fabio. I have never been "cut", "chiseled", or "ripped" frankly I barely remember when I could see any definition in any muscles at all and this has NEVER occurred with my abs, which have suffered the most. I don't stew a lot over my weight but as I am in my early thirties, the effects of my weight have started to be more pronounced. I snore loud enough to pull satellites out of orbit. I have occasional back pains that are clearly and directly related to my bulk. When I get up in the morning I can literally feel what feels like a huge fat suit and want little else but to "zip" it off and leave it behind. I lug it around with me everyday and it has slowly grown by 100 lbs over the past ten years. I haven't had a lot of motivation to do as I wish as much of it is limited by my size. I even find clothes I used to swim in when I got home from my mission are now too small for me. ugly to me is when I feel like something unattractive, no matter what I actually look like. I feel ugly so I consider myself ugly.
What can I do? well there are many answers to this. I can eat less. This is necessary, however, as I recently returned to a very physically demanding job (relatively speaking) and I have a lot of physically demanding chores at home to catch up on now that school is over for me, I think that, I need to be careful in how I scale back my eating. Attempts at reducing my intake have left me feeling "out of gas" early in the day and a lethargic attitude is not good in my work environment. I am seen somewhat as an example and what attitude I have often gets mimicked by others. I cannot run out of gas at work. Now we sit behind a desk and then sit in front of a TV at home. We sit in cars, and we sit everywhere else. three squares a day is rarely needed in such a case but the nutrients such a vitamins are. Lowering intake and eating better quality food is key, along with some basic supplements to make up shortfalls.
Another solution is to increase my physical efforts. Everyone used to be much skinnier in the past even after eating three squares a day because of two factors. Their work day was out working on the farm from before dawn till after dusk and they did not eat so much processed stuff. I plan on spending some money to join a club or get a treadmill which is my favorite form of exercise as the treadmill almost exercises me rather than the other way around. Getting me there is the issue. It is costly to go there but once there, it is fun. i also like doing it with someone although I can do it by myself. My wife has exercise goals too and does not like doing it alone at all so she will join me if we can finagle it.

if I can lose this weight and get down to where it doesn't feel burdensome, I can spread out to other exercise methods such as bikes, sports (basketball and racquetball) among others. Losing inches on my waist, thighs, and elsewhere will not only make me skinnier, but I believe stronger and more attractive. I know I would be happier, and live longer which aren't bad either. Root for me openly or in secret as I feel i can do this but it will take discipline, incredible discipline, something I have sought in others but not been able to muster in myself. See you in the skinny clothes aisle!